Cats and Coupons

The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his door with a basket of kittens.

“Hello, little girl, what do you have there?”

“These are my Conservative kittens,” she replied.

Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.

“My, I see you still have your Conservative kittens.”, he said.

“No, you see, these are Labour kittens,” she answered.

“Two weeks ago they were Conservative kittens,” he replied, puzzled.

“Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed.”

Going back many years, maybe fifteen, I had a cat Nikki. He was a very affection and vocal male Seal Point Himalayan cat. Well, he always knew if one of use used pain relieving rub. Several times if my back was sore I’d have the husband rub some icy hot on it and I’d lay on the couch. Every time I had that on Nikki would come around and get excited by it. How crazy is that! I might not have found it strange had it been shaving cream, or even the best eye cream, but menthol rub? Strange! Do you use any personal products that your cat actually loves the scent of?

(NOTE - This is intended for a laugh only. It is not instructional.)

Step By Step Instructions For Bathing Your Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce simple suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)!

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Some of the most effective things you can do to get in shape and lose weight is free – walking. One of my doctors once told me that you could eat exactly what you eat now and not gain weight by simply walking a mile a day. If you think you don’t have time in your busy work day to walk, you do. Take a walk on your break. I walk with a coworker twice a day, once for ten minutes and once for fifteen. It’s helping me with weight loss and I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t get out of breath like I used to. If the weather doesn’t permit walking outside, walk inside. I’m not referring to walking circles on your tile floor at home - leave that to the cat. Go to the mall or grocery store and walk it. You’ll feel better for having done it!

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don’t let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won’t be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!

For those of you that don’t know, I love Seal Point Himalayan cats. It is these cats that make me sometimes believe in reincarnation or something like that. The last three cats I’ve had all do the exact same thing. The bathroom I use is a walk in bath but it’s very small. It’s the only one I use. Every morning when I finish my shower I open the curtain to find the cat sitting on the floor staring at the shower curtain. I have no idea what they’re listening to or looking at but it’s always the same thing. Does your cat ever stand outside the shower while you’re in it? Why do you think a cat would do this?

One of the things I love doing is cuddling with my cat. I’ve always got room, no matter if I’m on the couch , in a chair or in bed. My last cat Shadow used to lay on top of my chest, presumably to be close to my heartbeat. He was such a lover. I loved it when he laid there because I could feel and hear him purr. RB didn’t like it when he did it to him because he didn’t like the hair in his face. I didn’t mind, by petting him the hair would go down a bit. Plus, it was warm, sort of like a heated blanket that required no electric. Too bad I couldn’t get him to lay on top of my feet. Does you cat lay on you?

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

For a number of years we’ve kept the cats bowls in the bathroom. Once I moved my foot and it made the cat jump like one of those spring plungers. He jumped about a foot off of the ground and it was absolutely hysterical. It’s probably a little mean but ever since then I can’t resist moving my foot if the cat is in the bathroom at the same time as me, just to see if it will happen again. None have jumped that high, sometimes I’ll just get an annoyed look, or at best a little hop. Is there anything you do that makes your cat jumpy?

Johnny’s mother looked out the door and saw Johnny reading the Bible to his cat. She thought to herself, “Isn’t that sweet? I will not disturb him and will let him continue to play with the cat.”

Sometime later, Mom heard an awful noise and looked out the door to see Johnny trying to force the cat into a bucket of water. She loudly said to Johnny, “Johnny, what are you trying to do with the cat?”

Johnny replied, “I am trying to baptize him!”

His mom said, “Cats don’t like to be in water.”

Johnny replied, “Well, then he shouldn’t have joined my church.”

Did you ever notice in movies that they always make the cats eyes glow in the dark? They usually look sort of like little halo headlights. They look cool in the movies but I don’t think it’s terribly realistic. I don’t know why they show them like this because I have never seen any of my cat’s eyes do this in real life. Have you ever seen a cat’s eyes glow in the dark?

You Know You’re a Cat Person When….

1. you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litterbox.”
2. you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
3. you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
4. you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
5. you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
6. you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
7. you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.
8. you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids orgrandkids.
9. you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
10. your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”
11. you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
12. you refer to your cat as your furry child.
13. your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry “grandchild.”
14. you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
15. you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name!
16. you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
17. you have a set of towels with “His” “Hers” and “Kitty’s.”
18. you call home and leave a message on the answering machinefor your cat.
19. you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answeringmachine.
20. you and kitty have matching outfits.
21. your spouse says, “Me or the cat!,” and there’s no hesitation.
22. you never go to the door unless it’s to let a cat out.
23. your favorite friends have fleas.
24. you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location forthe catbox.
25. you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
26. you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
27. you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
28. you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
29. you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore…at length.

Do you think that cats get wrinkles as they age like people do? How would you know? Many people worry about facial wrinkles and try to find the best eye creams to minimize them. Cats don’t have that problem. Maybe people that are super concerned about wrinkles would be happier if they had fur all over their face. It would hide the wrinkles but it would make other types of grooming interesting.