Cats And Coupons

One of the things I love doing is cuddling with my cat. I’ve always got room, no matter if I’m on the couch , in a chair or in bed. My last cat Shadow used to lay on top of my chest, presumably to be close to my heartbeat. He was such a lover. I loved it when he laid there because I could feel and hear him purr. RB didn’t like it when he did it to him because he didn’t like the hair in his face. I didn’t mind, by petting him the hair would go down a bit. Plus, it was warm, sort of like a heated blanket that required no electric. Too bad I couldn’t get him to lay on top of my feet. Does you cat lay on you?

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

For a number of years we’ve kept the cats bowls in the bathroom. Once I moved my foot and it made the cat jump like one of those spring plungers. He jumped about a foot off of the ground and it was absolutely hysterical. It’s probably a little mean but ever since then I can’t resist moving my foot if the cat is in the bathroom at the same time as me, just to see if it will happen again. None have jumped that high, sometimes I’ll just get an annoyed look, or at best a little hop. Is there anything you do that makes your cat jumpy?

Johnny’s mother looked out the door and saw Johnny reading the Bible to his cat. She thought to herself, “Isn’t that sweet? I will not disturb him and will let him continue to play with the cat.”

Sometime later, Mom heard an awful noise and looked out the door to see Johnny trying to force the cat into a bucket of water. She loudly said to Johnny, “Johnny, what are you trying to do with the cat?”

Johnny replied, “I am trying to baptize him!”

His mom said, “Cats don’t like to be in water.”

Johnny replied, “Well, then he shouldn’t have joined my church.”

Did you ever notice in movies that they always make the cats eyes glow in the dark? They usually look sort of like little halo headlights. They look cool in the movies but I don’t think it’s terribly realistic. I don’t know why they show them like this because I have never seen any of my cat’s eyes do this in real life. Have you ever seen a cat’s eyes glow in the dark?

You Know You’re a Cat Person When….

1. you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litterbox.”
2. you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
3. you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
4. you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
5. you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
6. you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
7. you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.
8. you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids orgrandkids.
9. you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
10. your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”
11. you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
12. you refer to your cat as your furry child.
13. your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry “grandchild.”
14. you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
15. you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name!
16. you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
17. you have a set of towels with “His” “Hers” and “Kitty’s.”
18. you call home and leave a message on the answering machinefor your cat.
19. you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answeringmachine.
20. you and kitty have matching outfits.
21. your spouse says, “Me or the cat!,” and there’s no hesitation.
22. you never go to the door unless it’s to let a cat out.
23. your favorite friends have fleas.
24. you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location forthe catbox.
25. you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
26. you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
27. you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
28. you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
29. you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore…at length.

Do you think that cats get wrinkles as they age like people do? How would you know? Many people worry about facial wrinkles and try to find the best eye creams to minimize them. Cats don’t have that problem. Maybe people that are super concerned about wrinkles would be happier if they had fur all over their face. It would hide the wrinkles but it would make other types of grooming interesting.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’

God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

Can you imagine if cats had to buy insurance for themselves? People say that cats have nine lives. Imagine if cats were buying life insurance like people do. Wouldn’t they need to get one policy for each life? And what about health insurance? Litter size might be a big factor for someone working health insurance leads for a living.