Cats and Coupons

I love to laugh and got a good laugh out of this diary. I was gasping for air when I read this, had I been on an oximeter it surely would have gone off

DAY 752 — My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 — Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 — Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 — Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Hmmm. Not working according to plan……

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage….

DAY 774 — I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dogs are routinely released and seem more than happy to return. They are obviously half-wits. The Birds, on the other hand, have got to be informants. They have mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and the birds speak with them regularly. I am certain they report my every move. Due to their current placement in the metal room their safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

You know you’re a cat person when…

…you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litter box.”

…you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.

…you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.

…you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.

…you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.

…you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!

…you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.

…you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.

…you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.

…your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”

…you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.

…you refer to your cat as your furry child.

…your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry “grandchild.”

…you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.

…you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name!

…you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.

…you have a set of towels with “His” “Hers” and “Kitty’s.”

…you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.

…you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.

…you and kitty have matching outfits.

…your spouse says, “Me or the cat!,” and there’s no hesitation.

…you never go to the door unless it’s to let a cat out.

…your favorite friends have fleas.

…you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the cat box.

…you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.

…you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.

…you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.

…you meow so well, you confuse the cats.

…you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore … at length.

Does your cat bother with your window dressings? Our cat loved to play with the vertical blinds when we had them. The noise got a bit annoying at times. One of the nice things about roller blinds and shades is that they don’t hand and move like vertical blinds do. I think they’re easier to clean as well. My Mom had roller blinds in every window for years. Do you prefer vertical blinds, roller shades or just curtains? Which does your cat prefer?

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known.

I wonder why the Jetsons had no cat. They had the dog Astro, who when he spoke you couldn’t understand what he said. Bsn atro phex might have been dog speak or the name of a drug, who knows. What surprises me the most is that they didn’t make Astro robotic, like Rosie the maid. That would have made lots of sense, and fit right in with the show.

Here’s some coupons you can download and print for cat litter.

Arm & Hammer - Sign up by providing your email and receive coupons.

Cat’s Pride – Use your email to join The Cat’s Pride Group on Catster and receive a free coupon for any one size Cat’s Pride® cat litter product (retail value up to $7.00).

Feline Pine – Free bag rebate for new users. Just download and print, attach your receipt and UPC and send in.

I can’t help but wonder how different our lives would be if we lived more like cats. While cats require regular checkups and vaccinations, they don’t seem to have as many of the serious health issues that we people have. While there are some obese cats you don’t hear about cats needing gallbladder surgery or concerning themselves with colon cleanse reviews. Maybe it’s because of their food. Hmmmm. Speaking of cats and food…

Q: How is cat food sold?
A: So much purr can.

Q: What is a cat’s favourite dessert?
A: Mice pudding.

Q: How do you get milk from a cat?
A: Steal its saucer.

Q: What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
A: Kit-tea.

Q: What do alien cats like to have for breakfast?
A: A flying saucer of milk.

Q: Which foods definitely don’t mix?
A: A hot dog and Catsup.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a kitten with a melon?
A: A cat-aloupe!

I love to watch cats play. That’s the best exercise for them, better than any elliptical or other exercise equipment. Why? Because they get to use their natural instinct and because it’s fun. It’s fun for them to do and fun for us to watch. Here’s two riddles for you.

Q: What do you call a chubby kitty?
A: A fat cat!

Q: What do you call a cat who works out?
A: A Fit kit!

Romeo has been acting a bit strangely lately. I’ve also seen him scratching from time to time so I’m thinking he may have fleas. I have decided I’m going to give him a flea bath. I’ve never bathed him before so I don’t know how he’s going to take to a bath. I usually give a cat bath wearing a tee shirt but I think for Romeo I’m going to wear sleeves, just in case he get scared and starts to claw.

I love riddles. Here’s some riddles about cats, and what you’d end up with if you mixed them with some other animals. Fortunately this is imaginary and cannot be accomplished by using a KVM switch or any other switch, or who know’s what we’d have running around.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a cat and a dog?
A: An animal that chases itself!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a cat and a donkey?
A: A Mewl.

Q: What do you call a cross between a cat and a skunk?
A: A mew pew!

Q: What would you get if you corssed a kitten and a mackerel?
A: A catfish!

Getting a cat to take a pill, even a small one, can be challenging. Good thing that cats don’t have to take prenatal vitamins, right? That reminded me of a little rhyme that I received about giving a cat a pill. It’s great, check it out!

I am cat. Cat I am.
I will not eat my pill with ham.

I will not take it with a mouse,
I will not take it in a house.

I will not take it don’t you see,
I will not take it, Cat is me!

I will not take it in the yard,
I will not take it in the car.

I will not take this pill you fool,
I will not take it in a pool.

I will not take it if you plead,
I will not take it when you bleed.

I will not take it when you beg,
I will not take it with a keg.

I’ll nae take it naer ye try,
I’ll just flick it in yer eye.

I won’t eat it, try again.
Won’t eat it when yer on a can.

Won’t even take it when ye die,
No matter how ye try and try.

I will not eat it thank ye ma’am
I am a cat — I am I am!

Not sure what the best weight loss pills are? Consider cat fitness as an alternative.

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don’t let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active.

The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions.

The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won’t be a problem. Start with a few wild sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

If you’re considering moving something you have to consider is if you have a pet or if you’re planning on getting one. Check out resources in the area you’re considering moving into. Here’s an example. Let’s say you’re looking at Indianapolis real estate. The Humane Society of Indianapolis offers cat training classes. It’s a great idea for anyone who’s never had a cat, so they can learn about handling a cat and cat behavior. One thing I wish I knew how to do was clip a cat’s nails. I know the how to but I am afraid to because I’m afraid I’ll get too close and cut the quick as my cat’s have dark nails. Do you trim your cat’s nails?

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox…. Yes, it’s a cat’s world after all. Amen!.