Cats and Coupons

While the idea of a cat skiing cracks me up, the image of a cat hanging out in front of a fire in a lodge seems perfectly natural to me. I wonder what cats would look for in the ideal vacation if they traveled? Take ski vacations, for example. Cats would probably ask if there was a bunny slope but not the skiiing kind. meals would be a factor, I think most would rather dine alone. What other factors do you think would play into a cat’s ski vacation?

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running,
running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

I wonder how this vet would fare in a real healthcare job search…

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.

“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied

“Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that will that stop them?”

“Should do,” said the vet, “- IT STOPPED ME!”

Instructions on how to give your cat a bath. They also double as instructions on how to wash your toilet.

1. Put both lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse”.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the here and the front door.

7. Standing behind as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Some people find washing a cat to be really hard. I wonder if they’d find it easier if they used water softeners. LOL.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Are you into cat furniture? I remember I’d never heard of or thought of furniture just for cats until the 1980s, when I got my Nikki. I enjoyed his kittenhood so much that I found myself buying anything in sight that he would enjoy. Back then all I ever saw were different kinds of scratching posts. I bought him one that was a 6 foot tall cat tree, made with real wood and carpet. He actually used it so often that he shredded the carpet. My Mom’s cat had a similar tree and never used it. Now I see more modern furniture out there on the market. There are actual pieces made just for cats. Maybe I’d appreciate those more if I had a bigger house. But then, I’m also content with my cat sitting on my furniture. Do you think cats need their own furniture? I don’t - most cats can make themselves comfortable anywhere they want. Do you think they care if they have it? I think they’d prefer to be closer to their human.

I don’t know who sent me this, or who wrote it, but it’s really funny.

• Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
• Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
• Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
• Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
• Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
• Go to draw, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors labels etc.
• Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
• Go back to draw to get string, remove cat that has been in the draw since last visit and collect string.
• Reopen draw and re-remove cat.
• Remove present from bag.
• Remove cat from bag.
• Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
• Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
• Try and smooth out paper, realise cat is underneath and remove cat.
• Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
• Throw away first sheet as cat tried to chase the scissors, and tore paper.
• Cut second sheet of paper to size. By putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
• Place present on cut to size paper.
• Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and realise cat is between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
• Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
• Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
• Seal paper down, with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
• Look for roll of ribbon, chase cat down hall, in order to retrieve ribbon.
• Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two directional turn.
• Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm to chase ribbon end.
• Repeat steps 13-20 until down to last sheet of paper.
• Decide to skip steps 13-17, in order to save time and reduce risk of loosing last sheet of paper. By retrieving old cardboard box, that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
• Put present in box, and tie down with string.
• Remove string, open box and remove cat.
• Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
• Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
• Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
• Repeat previous step as often as is necessary. Until you can hear the cries from the cat outside the door.
• Lay out last sheet of paper. (I know this is difficult in the small area of the toilet. But try your best)
• Realise cat has already got to the paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last years paper, until you remember that you haven’t got any left, due to cats help with wrapping last year.
• Retire back to room lock door, and sit on toilet whist trying to work out how to make torn sheet of paper look halfway presentable.
• Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully seal down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst effected areas.
• Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
• Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
• Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
• Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
• Retrieve all thrown away sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire back to room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
• Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper, along with the ones that the pattern matches closest.
• Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork of paper. Tie with the now tattered ribbon and decorate with the now limp bows. Label and put present in bag, for fear of anyone seeing this disaster.
• At time of handing over present smile sweetly at receivers face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
• Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the damn thing for you.

Not sure if your cat is overweight? Here are five sure signs.

1. Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
2. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
3. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
4. It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
5. Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

Preamble: Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.

VACUUM CLEANER: This appalling Beast is known by many names, “Cat Eater” being the most prevalent. Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. All you can do is run and hide.

Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

Did you ever seen those pictures of cats lifting weights? (Like the one above.)Of course they’re ridiculous but they’re usually pretty cute. Imagine what a picture of a cat doing some Kettlebell exercises would look like? It would be called Kitty Kettlebell, obviously. Would the cat wear the little weighted bells on his legs instead of holding them? Or would there only be one little weighted bell on the collar?

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

“How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!