Cats And Coupons

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats.

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o n as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces into the glass, without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….

Ate the cookies…….

Drank the milk…….

Shit on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats…….

Claimed he injured his back while doing so…….

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….

Put in for Workers Compensation…………….and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

Here’s a situation where you’d definitely want to have an unlocked phone.

Michael really hated his wife, Patricia’s cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good. Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it’s way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it’s way home.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later, he ‘phoned Patricia, ‘Darling, is the cat there?’.

‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘Why?’.

Michael replied bitterly, ‘Put that flippin’ animal on the ‘phone. I’m lost and need directions.’

Can you imagine what it would be like if cats had to find a job? I can picture the interview now. There would be a tour of the building, pointing out the water cooler and the food bowl. Next stop would be the scratching post, to exercise on at break time. All applicants would want to know where the litter box was and if it was private or shared. Of particular interest would be if an office came with the job, and if that office had a view. Love to watch those birds! Of highest importance would be the pay – which it be chicken feed or just chicken?

I’ve noticed more and more foods on the market that are intended to promote good health for cats and dogs. There are many different formulas of cat food now for example – indoor, digestive, senior, kitten and more, each seemingly with a different purpose. I know a couple of people that have trouble distinguishing the difference between types. It’d be great if bags were more clearly explained, as until cats can research the best joint supplement for themselves the choice is in our hands.

While the idea of a cat skiing cracks me up, the image of a cat hanging out in front of a fire in a lodge seems perfectly natural to me. I wonder what cats would look for in the ideal vacation if they traveled? Take ski vacations, for example. Cats would probably ask if there was a bunny slope but not the skiiing kind. meals would be a factor, I think most would rather dine alone. What other factors do you think would play into a cat’s ski vacation?

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running,
running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”