Cats And Coupons

My husband likes tuna fish. Every once in a while he’ll see me come in from grocery shopping and notice cans of tuna fish as well as cans of cat food. Once he asked me if I was sure I was feeding him the cat food. I told him I was. this joke reminds me of that.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. “Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out fo her friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the grocery store, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

“Mmmm, honey, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. “You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would have relations.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoicly replied, “Ahh, I didn’t kill him, he fell off the mantel when he was licking his butt.”

Some self-evident truths about pets…

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog’s have owners. Cat’s have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please… men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

I love to laugh and got a good laugh out of this diary. I was gasping for air when I read this, had I been on an oximeter it surely would have gone off

DAY 752 — My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 — Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 — Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 — Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Hmmm. Not working according to plan……

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage….

DAY 774 — I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dogs are routinely released and seem more than happy to return. They are obviously half-wits. The Birds, on the other hand, have got to be informants. They have mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and the birds speak with them regularly. I am certain they report my every move. Due to their current placement in the metal room their safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. (She wasn’t looking for a cellulite cure, she was really feeling under the weather.)

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him.

“Hey look, I’m a vet – *I* don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by
looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
“There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”

You know you’re a cat person when…

…you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litter box.”

…you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.

…you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.

…you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.

…you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.

…you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!

…you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.

…you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.

…you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.

…your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”

…you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.

…you refer to your cat as your furry child.

…your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry “grandchild.”

…you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.

…you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name!

…you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.

…you have a set of towels with “His” “Hers” and “Kitty’s.”

…you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.

…you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.

…you and kitty have matching outfits.

…your spouse says, “Me or the cat!,” and there’s no hesitation.

…you never go to the door unless it’s to let a cat out.

…your favorite friends have fleas.

…you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the cat box.

…you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.

…you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.

…you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.

…you meow so well, you confuse the cats.

…you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore … at length.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known.

I can’t help but wonder how different our lives would be if we lived more like cats. While cats require regular checkups and vaccinations, they don’t seem to have as many of the serious health issues that we people have. While there are some obese cats you don’t hear about cats needing gallbladder surgery or concerning themselves with colon cleanse reviews. Maybe it’s because of their food. Hmmmm. Speaking of cats and food…

Q: How is cat food sold?
A: So much purr can.

Q: What is a cat’s favourite dessert?
A: Mice pudding.

Q: How do you get milk from a cat?
A: Steal its saucer.

Q: What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
A: Kit-tea.

Q: What do alien cats like to have for breakfast?
A: A flying saucer of milk.

Q: Which foods definitely don’t mix?
A: A hot dog and Catsup.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a kitten with a melon?
A: A cat-aloupe!

I love to watch cats play. That’s the best exercise for them, better than any elliptical or other exercise equipment. Why? Because they get to use their natural instinct and because it’s fun. It’s fun for them to do and fun for us to watch. Here’s two riddles for you.

Q: What do you call a chubby kitty?
A: A fat cat!

Q: What do you call a cat who works out?
A: A Fit kit!

I love riddles. Here’s some riddles about cats, and what you’d end up with if you mixed them with some other animals. Fortunately this is imaginary and cannot be accomplished by using a KVM switch or any other switch, or who know’s what we’d have running around.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a cat and a dog?
A: An animal that chases itself!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a cat and a donkey?
A: A Mewl.

Q: What do you call a cross between a cat and a skunk?
A: A mew pew!

Q: What would you get if you corssed a kitten and a mackerel?
A: A catfish!