Cats And Coupons

Getting a cat to take a pill, even a small one, can be challenging. Good thing that cats don’t have to take prenatal vitamins, right? That reminded me of a little rhyme that I received about giving a cat a pill. It’s great, check it out!

I am cat. Cat I am.
I will not eat my pill with ham.

I will not take it with a mouse,
I will not take it in a house.

I will not take it don’t you see,
I will not take it, Cat is me!

I will not take it in the yard,
I will not take it in the car.

I will not take this pill you fool,
I will not take it in a pool.

I will not take it if you plead,
I will not take it when you bleed.

I will not take it when you beg,
I will not take it with a keg.

I’ll nae take it naer ye try,
I’ll just flick it in yer eye.

I won’t eat it, try again.
Won’t eat it when yer on a can.

Won’t even take it when ye die,
No matter how ye try and try.

I will not eat it thank ye ma’am
I am a cat — I am I am!

Not sure what the best weight loss pills are? Consider cat fitness as an alternative.

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don’t let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active.

The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions.

The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won’t be a problem. Start with a few wild sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox…. Yes, it’s a cat’s world after all. Amen!.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I can’t believe what I’m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all I’m beating it 6 games to 1″

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats.

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o n as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces into the glass, without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….

Ate the cookies…….

Drank the milk…….

Shit on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats…….

Claimed he injured his back while doing so…….

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….

Put in for Workers Compensation…………….and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

Here’s a situation where you’d definitely want to have an unlocked phone.

Michael really hated his wife, Patricia’s cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good. Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it’s way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it’s way home.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later, he ‘phoned Patricia, ‘Darling, is the cat there?’.

‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘Why?’.

Michael replied bitterly, ‘Put that flippin’ animal on the ‘phone. I’m lost and need directions.’

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”